The Story of Avery

I think was only 3 weeks along when I “miscarried”. I actually don’t fully know. I knew I was pregnant for 10 days. That’s how long I got to enjoy my time. I admit, I was afraid of our future. The priorities didn’t make sense to me. I thanked Him for our gift but was confused. This wasn’t planned. We had just agreed that now wasn’t the best time to have a child, so we should hold off. I was asking for another gift instead. Money. I didn’t want to stress the lack of money we had. I wanted John to get a fabulous job. We’re pregnant! I love babies! I love being pregnant! This is a little sooner than I thought but I want more so this is great! Okay, we have 9 months to get our life together. I can’t wait to see what he/she looks like. John was rooting for a girl bc they are underdogs in the Margida family. I wondered what the dynamic would be like. How would I navigate a newborn while John played with Dominic, our son. What kind of name works with Dominic? A little less than 2 years apart, what a good age gap. 

I get to be pregnant again- awesome! I love being pregnant. I mean there are hard days but I feel most like a woman and I’m valued and protected so well. 

Ow, this hurts a lot. Well, that can be normal. Let’s try a couple things, nope not helping. This is an emergency. Just a UTI and btw you’re only 2 weeks along. (I thought I was 4-5 weeks) Here are some drugs, bye. Okay, baby isn’t in danger. This is going to be okay. The following weekend: I’m having some discomfort but nothing to complain about now. So glad that awful night is done. Ummm there’s spotting. That could be normal or maybe not. Well it’s only when I wipe. Well now I need a pad. 

Wait. A big clot. Oh, that’s not good. This isn’t suppose to happen. I’m losing my baby. Tell my husband. Tell my mom. They aren’t convinced. You need to have hope. This could be something else. I’m still clotting. I’m still worried. Okay I’ll call the nurse. “Yeah, I’m concerned too. Let’s get blood work done and see”. Phew! That’s done. I feel so much lighter and at peace now. I’m in good spirits. It’s gonna be okay. 

112. that’s the HCG level. I was hoping for 300 or more. That’s obviously lower than 270 like before. My baby is gone. At least I baptized him/her. At least I wasn’t in the hospital. At least I wasn’t in pain. At least I didn’t need a D&C. At least my baby wasn’t in pain. I knew what was happening all along but I doubted. 

But, I was happy to have another. I wanted to pour out my love. It was too short. We didn’t even get a picture. I never got a due date. I don’t get to be pregnant with my sister anymore. 

Wait. You’re at 117, a few days later. Now you’re at 164. 4 days later, you’re at 245. Could there be a possibility? Did a child survive? Or maybe that’s normal for a miscarriage? Or what if it’s ectopic? The baby is in the fallopian tube and not the uterus and that’s why it’s still showing that I’m pregnant? Let’s get an ultrasound to gather more information. And now we wait. I’m really not good at patience. Googling is the only thing I can do to feel useful. I prayed but not for long. If I keep talking to God about this, I’ll fall apart. I won’t be able to stop crying. 

Ultrasound is normal- it’s a non-pregnant person scan. “98%- it’s not ectopic.” Next day- “we need to treat you for ectopic pregnancy.” Methotrexate. What the heck is that? *googling* Chemo? What the heck? That’s a serious thing to put in my body. How do they actually know? I don’t want guesses- I want answers. I’m going to wait for another week. 

I’m having slight cramps- tiny discomfort. I better go get checked out. If I need chemo, better to get it done while I’m visiting my family. Once I go home, I won’t have my village there. 

Your level is at 468. Oh crap. That’s not good. I know the baby didn’t or isn’t surviving. Options: chemo, D&C or monitor symptoms closely and wait it out. 

I’ve waited long enough and my body is not sorting itself out. Let’s do the D&C. Okay someone will call you tomorrow. 

Next day: Yeah, we want to do an ultrasound before we move forward with anything. “But last night I asked the doctor twice if there was any point in doing one and I was told no.” 

Fine. Let’s do it so we can rule it out. 

This yolk sac in the ovary is either a cyst or an ectopic pregnancy. 

We can do a D&C (cleans out uterus only), MVA (suctions and vacuums anything remaining in the uterus) or the methotrexate. 

We want to avoid the chemo if we can. Let’s do the MVA. If it’s ectopic, we can cross that bridge later. Okay come to this room and we can take care of it today. 

Doctors come in. “Sorry it’s taken us so long. A couple more doctors have looked at your scans and they all says it’s ectopic.” We won’t 100% know unless you have a biopsy but with what we saw in your left ovary and in addition to the rising pregnancy hormone level, that’s the reason for it all. 

My baby is still there? Why did I have all those blood clots? Uterine lining shedding? Did I miscarry some but not all of my baby? They don’t know. And they probably don’t care what it was. They just want to treat me now. 

We want to do the methotrexate we finally say to them. (I was at 6 weeks) They say: Okay great! Two shots in your bottom and then you’re done! At day 4, blood work and leave. 

Next day. Oh my goodness, I’m cramping out of no where. It just hit me. I need to lay down. I need to take off my clothes. The underwear and shorts are digging into my sides. It’s been like that for weeks. I don’t feel comfortable in any of my pants. Okay I’m better now. I had some light bleeding but I’m okay. I mean I don’t have any energy and I’m tired but what else is new. Then day 7, bloodwork but you have to stay this time to review results to determine if you need another dose. Oh please not another dose. It must go down by 15%. Your level went down 15.5%. Oh boy, I barely made it. At least I don’t need another dose. Now you’re going to have lab work done every week until your level is at 0. Yes, I’ve been told that for the 6th time. 

I absolutely hated getting my blood drawn but with all the times that I did it I got easier. I’m still grieving the loss of my child. One of the most challenging parts was not knowing what was happening, and the medical process taking two months. And I’m grateful that I have some people in my life that acknowledge the value of life no matter how small- my sister sent us some religious artwork for parents that had a miscarriage, and it meant so much to me to be able to have something in my home that I can look at every single day.

 My grief comes in waves. Everything will be still and quiet and then all of a sudden I’ll be flooded with emotions, not knowing how to control or console myself. My husband cried with me on the day that we found out that we were miscarriaging. He has supported me very well the best that he can but it’s hard when I feel like I’m still crying about it and no one else is. It’s not that no one else cares, but they didn’t live through it. It didn’t happen to them. 

I’m still trying to balance, letting myself sit with the emotions and then going back to reality. One of the biggest things that has helped me is sitting in the church praying by myself just me and Jesus. I’m still upset with God. I still don’t understand. It’s hard for me to talk to him, but I just sit there in his presence and ask him to show me his love. I take my journal and I write down how I feel and I ask questions. Something else that has helped me tremendously is reading the book Grace like Scarlett. Any feeling that you could possibly be going through she mentions. It makes me feel less alone it helps me to hear other peoples experiences, and to know that my thoughts and feelings are valid. Every time I share my story, there’s more healing and redemption taking place. I will continue to pray for my child every day, and I will tell my son about the sibling that he hasn’t met yet.