In Gods Hands
Psalms 100:5 NLT
[5] For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
September 16, 2019 was the day I had a positive pregnancy test at 6am and then miscarried at home that night at 6pm. I didn't even have time to tell my husband we were expecting again; I only got to tell him we lost a baby. I sat and held my older son in my arms for hours after that and cried and cried. (I didn't know how the doctors would be able to tell I had miscarried or how they would tell if I full passed the rest of the tissue. I went to the doctor the next day and they drew blood and saw my levels were elevated confirming I had been pregnant. I then got blood checks a few more times in the following weeks to see that my levels were back to normal and no further procedures were needed) I went to work the next day as if nothing happened and tried to decide if that did really just happen or if I dreamed it. As the days passed by I started to push my feelings down deeper and "move on". It took me months to tell anyone what I had gone through. And over a year to be able to talk about it in appropriate conversation. We struggled with infertility after the miscarriage until Feb 2021. It was a complete surprise pregnancy, as I had stopped taking pregnancy tests to avoid the heartbreak of a negative. It was a dark season for me. The thought of trying for a baby consumed my days, my decisions, and my inner happiness. Every thing I did revolved around the thought of 'well what if I'm pregnant again, will that cause another miscarriage?'. I felt alone. But on the outside, you wouldn't of known I was hurting. I was great at hiding feelings, pushing them down, and always acting tough and put together. Through time, I have learned that talking about my struggle helps give it less power; it's healing to share what I have overcome. It encourages me that God is always leading my life and will always bring me to where He wants me, where He needs me. I have a purpose in this world. My baby who I lost has a purpose in this world. I will forever sing of God's faithfulness for He is good. I still have a scar on my heart for the baby I call Heaven but I can smile because that baby is in God's hands. That baby has helped me trust God more even when I don't see His plan and that is worth the pain. He doesn't waste our pain, He uses it. Believe that.
-Crystal Olson, mom of an angel baby
