Walking a Miscarriage
Nora here. Never Have i put to written words what my miscarriage journey was. We will see how this goes! It comes hand in hand with another important moment in my life, my wedding. Little did i know that i would be navigating my miscarriage the week of my wedding.
Finding out I was pregnant came as a surprise. Lets start with that in my family system, pregnancy before marriage is a big no no. So, of course I am running all of the thoughts through my head of how do I keep this to myself on my wedding day. Around me, it has been known or guessed when women are pregnant due the disengaging of social norms with alcohol, which could have been the one true hint that I was carrying my first baby.
Then the spotting started. I had just told my parents and my fiance’s parents, a few days prior, that we were expecting. Sitting through my undergrad classes and having to explain to my professor that i needed to go to the doctor, was one of the memories that sticks out. Why? Probably because of the sheer stigma that comes with being pregnant in school, let alone not married. I remember calling my mom, telling her of my symptoms. She told me to not go alone to the doctor. Maybe she knew what was going on? I didn’t listen. Off I went, with little to no prep in conversation of what ‘could be happening’ to my body and baby, from my provider. i planned for this baby. i was thinking of what our future would look like as a mom and dad. I went into my ultrasound firmly believing that nothing was wrong. With little understanding of that a miscarriage was even something that can happen when pregnant. Then the tech informed me of no heartbeat. My world was immediately flipped upside down. I remember the tech saying that I would see the provider to confirm and find out next steps. While talking with the doctor, no emotion came through. It was word vomit of questions, When can I get pregnant again? Why did this happen? Am I okay? How did this happen? Where is the baby? The provider said to me, slow down, you are in shock. I sat, took my time at the doctors office and walked through the motions the next couple days. I do not remember the conversation I had with my husband, my parents, his parents, nothing. Everything was a blur. I remember the physical symptoms that I had while having my miscarriage, which I will save for another blog post because it is all too much.
Circling back. Grief is so amazing and unstructured. I remember thinking, on my wedding day, how much i wanted that baby. We wanted that baby. All i could think about was the plans we had made to be parents. When leading up to my wedding day, i thought i was navigating just fine. i talk about and bring up my wedding day, because it’s an important piece to my story. I wanted that baby to be my little side kick on my wedding day, to be with me and remain our best kept secret. maybe that is why i fell so hard in feelings that day? I couldn’t express to anyone, what was going on inside of me. All who knew were close family members. (another blog post for another day :))it shows that grief and sadness can come at anytime. it can appear no matter where or what we are doing. little did i know that this pain was not going to go away. it lives within me and will forever.
-Nora
